Note: Took some risky rhymes on this to get it to work.  Yeah – it’s edgy but I am blazing some new ground here, might take a while for mainstream to catch up with this style!

Walk in the door and you see the coat rack,
Damn, know that’s an Eames – that piece set us back!

Now you look around, there’s no pix of sea gulls,
We got motherfucking triptychs representing on both walls!

And you know we got more orthogonal side tables
Than the average orthodox Jew’s got dreidels

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

I got the real comfy couches and the bamboo shelves
Got ‘nuf knickknacks for a busload of elves

Have so many fine books to make a librarian mad
You know Apartment Therapy would kill to blog our pad!

Oh yeah and that’s a collection of modern lamps
Check it, our plants are certified photosynthesis champs

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

We got the custom curtains and the softest rugs
Check it out, bitch, that’s a blanket full of snuggs

Oh hey, you like Ira Glass?
Then that framed “This American Life” poster will knock you on yo’ ass

You know I got my girl on Craigslist 24/7
Looking to add to our lil’ slice of heaven, yeah!

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

PEEEEACE!

Earlier this year, little Buster departed for the rainbow bridge/the big yard in the sky. I wrote this to memorialize this proud doggy:

BUSTER

I am a happy canine prince
with four delicate paw prints

My coat is sooooo soft, it’s insane!
but I’ve heard I have a very small brain…

My barks are like little mouse squeaks
but I’m braver than 1,000 Greeks

I’m also told I have a peculiar snore
Like a tiny sleeping wild boar

I love to fetch the frisbee
I never know where it might take me

When I go out to recover the disc
there’s always a fair amount of risk…

Once I thought they threw it for a dog,
but when I grabbed it it was holding a frog!

I’m blessed to have had so many friends
Tucker, Wheatzie, Bodie… the list never ends

As the years wore on it got a little dimmer,
but that only improved my humor!

You see everything was happy for me
as carefree as a dog could be

I gave all the love I could muster,
<3, your loyal dog, BUSTER

(Ed: this is a lady bus wearing a turtleneck, FYI)

#39: The Route to Happiness

Taking a ride on the MBTA #39
Is like uncorking an exquisite bottle of wine
The route’s fleet fancier than Albright’s brooches
Including the Neoplan AN460LF, New Flyer C40LF and NABI 40LFW CNG coaches

The low floors mean that stepping onto this glorious beast
Is like sitting down for the most scrumptious feast
They leave Back Bay about every quarter hour
That’s 355 horses of super bus power

Personally, I prefer the pickup at Copley Square
This bus stop is a pious and homely affair
And, even though they’re powered by Compressed Natural Gas
The Mass Ave underpass stretch will still kick your ass

Usually I get the sixty-foot articulated “accordion”
That lassie will seat 68 of your closest kin
We mosey down Huntington in fits and starts
Picking up passengers on the “Avenue of the Arts”

When you get to Brigham Circle the bus is often full
A seat of your own is the exception, not the rule
Lady with a stroller tries to squeeze out through the crowd
“Rear door please!” she yells out loud

Alright now, take this left at the Texaco
And cruise up S.Huntington, just a couple stops to go!
Okay, here we find the only stop that is complete swill
The f#$^&@@$%# “Back of the Hill”!!!

After the MSPCA, we are closing in on Centre Street
Big props to the corner 7/11 (it holds many delicious things to eat)
Finally we arrive my destination: Lochstead Ave
My trip’s over, but the memories we will always have

I realize your trip to Forest Hills is not always fun
But in the best bus contest, you are #1
My hat’s off to you, my dear Thirty Nine
You may be pushing 40, but you are still looking FINE!

References:

• Madeline Albright’s sweeet pin collection is currently on display at the Museum of Art & Design
• More information about the Neoplan AN460LF (the 60′ bus) may be found on Page 8
• More information about the #39 Bus Route may be found here
• I can find no corroborating sources, but the “Back of the Hill” T stop is the absolute woooooorst stop, horrible, there is another stop 20 ft. away.

Special Thanks:

• Sieman700 for his extensive MBTA knowledge
• E.Roosey for rhyme assistance

A Poem From Nate’s Face to His Mustache

We will both wake up one winter day
And without warning he will shave you away…
Before you leave this blessed mortal sphere
There is something you need to hear

I talk a lot, that’s certainly true,
But I regret not saying enough about you
At first I did not support growing the ‘stache
What’s the point of purposefully looking like trash?

But you did look good and do compliment the lip
And so my recalcitrance, it began to slip
The ladies swooned. The men? The same
Gotta say it, this face got game

Your style matches Marsh’s fave wifebeater
And you are LEED certified sustainable “cheek heater”
Shaving is not so tough anymore
And when I see you in the mirror, I want to yell “HARDCORE!”

He told me not to tell you how it will end
But cannot lie, can no longer pretend
I know when this will happen to you
When he gets his next job interview!

My favorite ride is Post-Panamax
Lookin’ real good up on 40-ft stacks
Upon you decks & in your hull
Are enough Chinese goods to fill an American mall

Oh humble container, invented by Malcolm McLean
You’re over 50 years old, and have not lost your sheen
Every box has its own story
The greens ones even have a bamboo floory!

A rainbow of colored crates from port to aft
And a very comfortable looking life-raft
The trip from Bangkok to Antwerp takes 42 days
Well, only 19 if you take the Suez!

Or go East to Oakland to drop some cargo
Toss the goods in a train car & one week to Fargo
Across the Pacific you stream again
Your only friends are salty longshoremen

You may have no port to call your own
But don’t worry friend, you are not alone…
Oh mighty vessel floating in the sea
I gotta tell you, me likey!

References:
Post-Panamax
Malcolm McLean
Bamboo Flooring in Shipping Containers
Suez Canal

The Fizzard of Ahhhs

Hey buddy, if you don’t know about the fizzle,
Then you need to take a look at this shizzle:

Just fill up the specially designed bottle
And drop a short prayer to the Carbony Father
Then screw it into the magic machine
and keep pressing the button till that puppy scream!

Four hard presses to build adequate pressure
After six,  you are creating seltz beyond measure
The new water, doth it glisten and pop?
But unscrew it too fast and thou needeth a mop!

The special bevvy has some amazing new power
You are due up for a tastebud shower!
What was once a cup of common H2O
Has been transformed into a golden goblet of “Hey-ooooh!”

Be thee not scared of this awesome device,
For all your juices are now two times as nice
A warning for you adventurous  folk,
Re-carbonating a flat beer is no joke!

Your boring tap water will not be missed
Once it has been paid a visit by the Fizzycist
Some may proclaim it divine intervention
Nay, it is merely man’s greatest invention!

Pardon me friends, a leave I must take -
For with this fresh seltzer, a great thirst I will now slake!