Hm, need something to read, dum de dum de der
What’s this in my bag? Why it’s a double issue of the mf’ing New Yorker!
Cover is a fresh hot slice of NYC
Playa drew it on his iPhone, that works for me!

Check the TOC, see what’s going down
Looks like a tight line-up, flip to the Talk of the Town
Hot damn, I sure just learned a lot!
Including a fascinating snippet on the best Manhattan tater tot

Instead of going shopping, I’d rather be fed to sharks,
but you bet your sweet bippy – I’ll read anything by Patty Marx!
Some good laughs from Shouts and Murmurs
An absurdist piece on an alcoholic housewife & an escaped family of lemurs

Following this, a counter-intuitive piece from Gawande about using floss
And then a left-field article by McPhee on high-school lacrosse
Off to a good start, how about an in-depth profile?
Looks like it’s on the lead editor of the Chicago Manual of Style

Platon’s grainy black & white photo of that dude was the bomb
Gotta check out the rest of his portfolio on Newyorker.com
Now a Gladwell piece on the psychology of choosing a wedding dress
Which surprisingly is an accurate indicator of future career success

Usually when I get to fiction my attention wanders…
But AYFKM? It’s a story from George Saunders!!!
Nice exploration of mass media and a sentient parking meter
Now excuse me I gotta skip this article on modern theater

Oh man, I accidentally skipped a few
Totally overlooked a great lit review!
That 600 page tome on the East India Company sounds OFF THE HOOK
(Note to self: never ever read that book)

Please lord let there be a sketchbook soon by Chast or Ware
All those intense articles can be hard to bear
Did I mention the cartoons this week are spicier than tarragon?
And we got some A+ illustration Spots in the margin

Sasha’s got the details on a hot Brooklyn-based indie group
Must have taken a lot of PBR to get that scoop!
Anthony Lane just ripped some action sequel blockbuster a new one
Watching a chick flick with him does not sound like much fun

Last but not least the witty winner of this week’s caption contest
And what a surprise: he hails from Cambridge, Massachusetts!
The New Yorker magazine continues to entertain me silly
Hats off to you monsieur Eustice Tilly!!

I speak of a food so divine…
The smell, the texture, the taste – sublime

It’s born and raised on a simple stalk
Rooted in the earth, unable to walk
In the field it grows a mask
Preparing it’s contents for their holy task

The massive combines, they finally come
And it’s trip to my belly has formally begun.
After harvested it’s shucked and dried.
Losing it’s beautiful hair it surely cried…

The cob now is no longer needed
& to a lucky cow it is summarily feeded
At last released from their structured cells!
Freedom! Liberation from their restrictive shells!

Soon I spot a bag of them in a store,
I buy them and their journey seems over, but wait – there’s more!
Now, with much thoughtful trepidation
I begin the final steps of their preparation

Ah, the homely kernel does not realize the special treat
It may become with the right application of heat!
The mechanism itself matters not,
Be it hot air, microwave or scalding oil in a pot

The culinary staccato soothes anticipation
and announces an arrival of this delicious creation
It’s state is reduced to entropy…
and I am as happy as a flea!

At last we have 2-3 second between pops
Silence descends as the machine stops…
The steam clears, a snack is born
Behold this simple perfection: a bowl of popcorn!

Update – we raced again in 2007 as Global Cat-astrophe – here’s a flickr gallery of event
If you cannot see the links to the movies & photos, click here

How To: Sand a Cat

There are thousands of ways to skin a cat but what about sanding one? Not so easy, is it? Well, here’s a great solution – presenting Hello Gritty!

Last February, the New England Belt Sander Racing Association approached the nonprofit I work for, Community Servings, to become the benefiting charity of their annual race. I volunteered at the event and got a taste for the action. This year I wanted to make an impact, to bring a little something to the show.

Together with a dedicated team consisting of a graphic designer, an architect, a science whiz and an Individual Giving Coordinator we decided to assemble a sander that would change the hearts, if not the minds, of the crowds assembled at the Sanderdome at Kenyon Woodworking. We decided that we needed something fresh and different with a decidedly macho edge to it. And, what is more hardcore macho than a little mouthless female adolescent Japanese cat?

Exhibit A – Hello Kitty

In order to adapt Hello Kitty to the sander medium we needed a couple things. Firstly, we needed a belt sander, which was handily supplied by our architect/grease monkey, Mike. And we needed ideas, big ideas to shape this hunk of yellow & black into a throne for Her Kittynesses. The inspirado and finishing touches were provided by Nicole & Emily – the science lady & the designer. Oh, an this year’s theme was, in simple terms, “medical”

Exhibit B – A DeWalt Beltsander

One of the most difficult tasks fell to me – locate & purchase a suitable Kitty for the platform, one that didn’t overwhelm the sander or marginalize her starring role. Luckily, Boston has not one but two Hello Kitty themed retail establishments within a 5 minute walk of one another. There’s a kiosk in the Prudential Center that failed me and then the much superior Hello Kitty World. There I found what we were looking for but it was unfortunately hugging a giant apple. I have since learned that Hello Kitty is officially 5 apples tall and weighs in at 3 shiny apples. So we had to modify her just a tad, no more apple!

This slideshow shows in greater detail the creative process. After the platform was completed we mounted it on the sander itself, now decked out custom stickers and an agressive racing strip, through a small screw on the top, giving a very clean and airy looking. The only real modification was some guide wheels to keep ‘er from hitting the sidewalls (the tracks are 12″ wide). The name was actually the last thing we came up with, it seems so obvious now, we like to think it was fate…

Exhibit C – Hello Gritty

We were all comfortable with the look by Saturday morning but her actual track performance was very questionable. We were luckily able to give her a test run before the races started and were delighted to see that she could actually zip down the track without hitting the walls, albeit at a pokey pace.

When all the beltsanders had been registered there was a slight problem. There are two different categories of racer, Stock & Modified. Stock is just what we did, fancy up a sander without changing the insides. Modifed sanders, on the other hand, are mostly less attractive but contain huge engines and other customizations to let them fly down the track. They asked for volunteers to switch into the Modified category because they had many many more Stock than Modified. We decided that because Hello Gritty wasn’t exactly tearing up the track, we should toss her into the Modified, hoping that crowd sympathy and a small act of God might propel us to Gold.

The assembled racers were a sight to behold as this gallery shows.

The races themselves take place on a two laned track that is 50ft for Stock and 75ft for Modified. A good modified racer can come cover that ground in 2.8 seconds easy. The system there is nice & professional a bell is rung and a “christmas tree” countdown starts (two rows of lights red, red, orange, orange and green) – when it hits green you punch a large control button and the juice flows into your creation, hurtling it down the track where it is caught in a cushiony nest at the end. There is a timing circuit in place for photo finishes. Here are some photos of the races, watch the people’s heads follow the little machines.

We did just about how we thought we’d do against a giant modified sander. Our competition was known as “Al’s Evil Twin”. Everyone settles in, the bell rings, the lights flash down (two false starts and you lose, tough but fair!) and I hit the button. Our little creation lurches forward and keeps pace the first 10 feet and then hits it optimal cruising speed which is well below her competitor and Hello Gritty loses in the 1st round, sadly. Here are two movies that document the first heat – Angle One – (3.71MB) & Angle Two (9.28MB).

We consoled ourselves with beers and other exciting races. Lo & behold at the awards ceremony – Hello Gritty was chosen to be “Rookie of the Year” – a good sign that Hello Gritty will make a reappearance for 2007!

Exhibit D – Gritty & Trophy

Photos

From Start to Finish

Other Racers

The Races

Movies
Hello Gritty vs Al’s Evil Twin1 (3.71MB)
Hello Gritty vs Al’s Evil Twin2 (9.28MB)

Walk in the door and you see the coat rack,
Damn, know that’s an Eames – that piece set us back!

Now you look around, there’s no pix of sea gulls,
We got motherfucking triptychs representing on both walls!

And you know we got more orthogonal side tables
Than the average orthodox Jew’s got dreidels

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

I got the real comfy couches and the bamboo shelves
Got ‘nuf knickknacks for a busload of elves

Have so many fine books to make a librarian mad
You know Apartment Therapy would kill to blog our pad!

Oh yeah and that’s a collection of modern lamps
Check it, our plants are certified photosynthesis champs

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

We got the custom curtains and the softest rugs
Check it out, bitch, that’s a blanket full of snuggs

Oh hey, you like Ira Glass?
Then that framed “This American Life” poster will knock you on yo’ ass

You know I got my girl on Craigslist 24/7
Looking to add to our lil’ slice of heaven, yeah!

Careful sucker, you on sacred ground
This livin’ room don’t fuck around
Don’t worry about wiping your shoes
Gotta old-school Roomba with some dopeass moves

PEEEEACE!

Earlier this year, little Buster departed for the rainbow bridge/the big yard in the sky. I wrote this to memorialize this proud doggy:

BUSTER

I am a happy canine prince
with four delicate paw prints

My coat is sooooo soft, it’s insane!
but I’ve heard I have a very small brain…

My barks are like little mouse squeaks
but I’m braver than 1,000 Greeks

I’m also told I have a peculiar snore
Like a tiny sleeping wild boar

I love to fetch the frisbee
I never know where it might take me

When I go out to recover the disc
there’s always a fair amount of risk…

Once I thought they threw it for a dog,
but when I grabbed it it was holding a frog!

I’m blessed to have had so many friends
Tucker, Wheatzie, Bodie… the list never ends

As the years wore on it got a little dimmer,
but that only improved my humor!

You see everything was happy for me
as carefree as a dog could be

I gave all the love I could muster,
<3, your loyal dog, BUSTER

(Ed: this is a lady bus wearing a turtleneck, FYI)

#39: The Route to Happiness

Taking a ride on the MBTA #39
Is like uncorking an exquisite bottle of wine
The route’s fleet fancier than Albright’s brooches
Including the Neoplan AN460LF, New Flyer C40LF and NABI 40LFW CNG coaches

The low floors mean that stepping onto this glorious beast
Is like sitting down for the most scrumptious feast
They leave Back Bay about every quarter hour
That’s 355 horses of super bus power

Personally, I prefer the pickup at Copley Square
This bus stop is a pious and homely affair
And, even though they’re powered by Compressed Natural Gas
The Mass Ave underpass stretch will still kick your ass

Usually I get the sixty-foot articulated “accordion”
That lassie will seat 68 of your closest kin
We mosey down Huntington in fits and starts
Picking up passengers on the “Avenue of the Arts”

When you get to Brigham Circle the bus is often full
A seat of your own is the exception, not the rule
Lady with a stroller tries to squeeze out through the crowd
“Rear door please!” she yells out loud

Alright now, take this left at the Texaco
And cruise up S.Huntington, just a couple stops to go!
Okay, here we find the only stop that is complete swill
The f#$^&@@$%# “Back of the Hill”!!!

After the MSPCA, we are closing in on Centre Street
Big props to the corner 7/11 (it holds many delicious things to eat)
Finally we arrive my destination: Lochstead Ave
My trip’s over, but the memories we will always have

I realize your trip to Forest Hills is not always fun
But in the best bus contest, you are #1
My hat’s off to you, my dear Thirty Nine
You may be pushing 40, but you are still looking FINE!

References:

• Madeline Albright’s sweeet pin collection is currently on display at the Museum of Art & Design
• More information about the Neoplan AN460LF (the 60′ bus) may be found on Page 8
• More information about the #39 Bus Route may be found here
• I can find no corroborating sources, but the “Back of the Hill” T stop is the absolute woooooorst stop, horrible, there is another stop 20 ft. away.

Special Thanks:

• Sieman700 for his extensive MBTA knowledge
• E.Roosey for rhyme assistance

We will both wake up one winter day
And without warning he will shave you away…
Before you leave this blessed mortal sphere
There is something you need to hear

I talk a lot, that’s certainly true,
But I regret not saying enough about you
At first I did not support growing the ‘stache
What’s the point of purposefully looking like trash?

But you did look good and do compliment the lip
And so my recalcitrance, it began to slip
The ladies swooned. The men? The same
Gotta say it, this face got game

Your style matches Marsh’s fave wifebeater
And you are LEED certified sustainable “cheek heater”
Shaving is not so tough anymore
And when I see you in the mirror, I want to yell “HARDCORE!”

He told me not to tell you how it will end
But cannot lie, can no longer pretend
I know when this will happen to you
When he gets his next job interview!

My favorite ride is Post-Panamax
Lookin’ real good up on 40-ft stacks
Upon you decks & in your hull
Are enough Chinese goods to fill an American mall

Oh humble container, invented by Malcolm McLean
You’re over 50 years old, and have not lost your sheen
Every box has its own story
The greens ones even have a bamboo floory!

A rainbow of colored crates from port to aft
And a very comfortable looking life-raft
The trip from Bangkok to Antwerp takes 42 days
Well, only 19 if you take the Suez!

Or go East to Oakland to drop some cargo
Toss the goods in a train car & one week to Fargo
Across the Pacific you stream again
Your only friends are salty longshoremen

You may have no port to call your own
But don’t worry friend, you are not alone…
Oh mighty vessel floating in the sea
I gotta tell you, me likey!

References:
Post-Panamax
Malcolm McLean
Bamboo Flooring in Shipping Containers
Suez Canal

Just fill up the specially designed bottle
And drop a short prayer to the Carbony Father
Then screw it into the magic machine
and keep pressing the button till that puppy scream!

Four hard presses to build adequate pressure
After six,  you are creating seltz beyond measure
The new water, doth it glisten and pop?
But unscrew it too fast and thou needeth a mop!

The special bevvy has some amazing new power
You are due up for a tastebud shower!
What was once a cup of common H2O
Has been transformed into a golden goblet of “Hey-ooooh!”

Be thee not scared of this awesome device,
For all your juices are now two times as nice
A warning for you adventurous  folk,
Re-carbonating a flat beer is no joke!

Your boring tap water will not be missed
Once it has been paid a visit by the Fizzycist
Some may proclaim it divine intervention
Nay, it is merely man’s greatest invention!

Pardon me friends, a leave I must take -
For with this fresh seltzer, a great thirst I will now slake!